Not sure what brought this on…
WARNING: this post is very personal!
It could have been the conversation I was having with Mario yesterday about the court systems making weird decisions about custody agreements and who has to pay how much to care for those kids…or was it going through Tommy’s DVD collection and remembering a couple conversations I had with Judy (that had nothing to do with these thoughts…just a trigger)
I have heard my step-mother say MORE than once….he was raised by wolves. My father is an emotional degenerate because my grandparents were “wolves”…ok, I get he didnt have the best upbringing (heh, the irony)…but tell me that I need to grow up and be a responsible adult. Guess what…I have done that, and that makes me the black sheep! At around 20 years old, I stopped getting into trouble, I worked full time and pretty much paid my own way. So if I take responsibility for my own actions at 20, what is your excuse? You left home at 17, went in the army…but have NEVER taken responsibility for your own actions. You are now in your 70’s and you blame me for our ‘estranged’ relationship. I have tried over the years to get closer to you (and I DO have some great memories from those times)…but over the years, I am the only one in this relationship that has tried to reach out, do some things that we have in common. But it seems that since my mother has passed away, you are even more distant…and you haven’t been with her in almost a half century.
You always made me feel like it was a “package deal”…if you weren’t her husband, then you weren’t our father. and then it was “you kids”, we were never individuals…
I was actually in my late 20’s when I realized that my actions are my own. I started waking up happy and not angry. I started doing things to really improve my life…and those decisions were mine…every day! So wolves…just an excuse for bad behavior!
I let go of trying to have a relationship with you! I do not hate you, I’m not even angry, I just don’t want to put any energy into feeling anything good or bad.